A potent feeling/idea that I wanted to post in the least seen of my internet spots. If you're reading this you're probably the only one, besides me.
I was going to write it on Twitter and changed my mind.
"Sometimes i feel like my bones absorb and hold anguish and sadness, and upon release, my ribcage vibrates like a tuning fork, shaking me."
I really felt this way today. Maybe it's from the cold. Maybe the boredom, maybe loneliness or frustration. Maybe all of it. I read somewhere once that any physical jangling of the body works wonders for letting go of stress. Be it a deep hearty laugh, a quaking full-release cry, an intense night of sex, or anything else that might be similar. Anything that is deep and shakes you hard enough to jostle something loose. Rattle the bones.
I was on the brink of this, but couldn't quite go over the edge into the release. I feel like it might happen soon though.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Sponsitility
It's been a while since I've posted anything here on my blog. I know that's fairly obvious but it's a good way to start one, i think. 2008 went by really quickly and 2009 is following suit. The year is almost half over already. Some things that happened in '07 seem like they were only a couple of months ago.
Not a whole hell of a lot has changed though. I'm still choosing classes that I feel will benefit me over the classes that people offering pieces of paper think I should take. I'm still drawing and painting as a student, exploring styles and concepts. I'm still working, but not being paid enough to make some much needed changes in my life. Maybe I'll find something else soon that can pay some higher priced bills.
So anyway, I'm excited to finally be learning Dreamweaver. It's so much easier than coding from scratch on notepad in html. Hopefully I'll have a website soon. But then again, I heard that blogs are even better for artists than having their own website. So maybe I'll start a blog strictly for art. I researched a couple of prominent artist websites and most of them were either simply a blog, or the blog was highly prominent on the website.
Not a whole hell of a lot has changed though. I'm still choosing classes that I feel will benefit me over the classes that people offering pieces of paper think I should take. I'm still drawing and painting as a student, exploring styles and concepts. I'm still working, but not being paid enough to make some much needed changes in my life. Maybe I'll find something else soon that can pay some higher priced bills.
So anyway, I'm excited to finally be learning Dreamweaver. It's so much easier than coding from scratch on notepad in html. Hopefully I'll have a website soon. But then again, I heard that blogs are even better for artists than having their own website. So maybe I'll start a blog strictly for art. I researched a couple of prominent artist websites and most of them were either simply a blog, or the blog was highly prominent on the website.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Vegetable Lasagna
So November is about over. This year has gone by so damn quickly. I'm happy to have gotten rid of a job that was draining me and into a job that I respect and enjoy.
I don't call friends much, but I think about them a lot. I wonder what everyone's doing. I always feel like no one ever calls me, but then I don't really call people either. Mostly because I feel like I'm bothering everyone. Texting helps me keep in touch without really keeping in touch, if that makes any sense.
I got my first paycheck and have already blown through a lot of it. Phone bill, Dad's birthday, and a one-time-only 40% off day at borders. It's still nice not to be bare-bones-broke though.
My new painting is coming along. I've never worked on anything for as long as I've worked on it. I'm actually sort of excited to go work on it tomorrow at school. The painting is basically about being aware. Like being aware of something near you when you're reaching for something else. I'm striving for a higher quality of painting (more layers, cleaner lines, more depth) while still trying new techniques. Everything has worked pretty well so far. I really really need to finish it though. I have 3 more paintings I need to finish fairly soon. I will need a lot of luck.
As for my other class, I created a storyboard for a flash website, but it's a little over-ambitious, so I think I'm just going to do another little monster animation. I know I'd like to do a Bludgeon animation, and I did have an idea, but I don't like it as much as I originally did. I need to come up with something else. It will be the final project.
I don't call friends much, but I think about them a lot. I wonder what everyone's doing. I always feel like no one ever calls me, but then I don't really call people either. Mostly because I feel like I'm bothering everyone. Texting helps me keep in touch without really keeping in touch, if that makes any sense.
I got my first paycheck and have already blown through a lot of it. Phone bill, Dad's birthday, and a one-time-only 40% off day at borders. It's still nice not to be bare-bones-broke though.
My new painting is coming along. I've never worked on anything for as long as I've worked on it. I'm actually sort of excited to go work on it tomorrow at school. The painting is basically about being aware. Like being aware of something near you when you're reaching for something else. I'm striving for a higher quality of painting (more layers, cleaner lines, more depth) while still trying new techniques. Everything has worked pretty well so far. I really really need to finish it though. I have 3 more paintings I need to finish fairly soon. I will need a lot of luck.
As for my other class, I created a storyboard for a flash website, but it's a little over-ambitious, so I think I'm just going to do another little monster animation. I know I'd like to do a Bludgeon animation, and I did have an idea, but I don't like it as much as I originally did. I need to come up with something else. It will be the final project.
***
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
High & Dry
Hello. It's been a while having written here. About 3 and a half months I think. So I'll talk about some of the stuff that happened in between that time period. This could be long.
Sylvie visited from Germany at the end of July to early August. The entire time she was here was strange. It was a mixture of fun, confusion, discomfort, happiness, sadness, discovery, etc. Overall, I wish everything had gone better, but I guess both of us had different expectations on how things were going to work out. She would disagree with me, but I really did make great efforts to make her happy... I just had a hard time doing so. I tried to endure a lot of things during that time (like being pretty sick), and so I had my defenses up. But I broke down on the drive home from the airport. My sister helped me through it all. It would have been a lot harder without her. I'm glad Sylvie came here though. I hope that there were some good moments that she enjoyed. I really enjoyed Maximo Park, the Beach, and going to play DDR, air hockey, and mini golf with her. Those were my favorite times.
Sylvie and I don't chat online much anymore, which makes me sad, and I haven't really asked to, but I would just imagine if it was going to happen at all, it would happen naturally. I've sent her a few messages with questions about a few different things, but she seems to answer pretty briefly and move along. Or maybe it's just me, because I know she's been doing a lot of things lately.
August and September don't have too many memorable moments for me. My birthday was in August and all I really remember about it was getting a cool little handmade gift from my friend Manda. I know I got some money from my parents, but I can't remember how I spent it. I know that I bought some clothes. I think I've decided that I like Levis above most other jeans. Once I have money again, I'll go buy a few more pairs. I'm also kind of sick of wearing t-shirts. I feel like dressing more nicely. I do still wear t-shirts though. I don't like some of the nicer shirts I have, but then I do need to go buy some stuff. Oh, and I was unsuccessful at finding a pair of shoes. Hopefully sometime soon.
So I wasn't really doing much as far as looking for a job during those months. I put it off because I didn't want to be working when Sylvie was here, but then I didn't pick up on the job search very soon after she left either. I would glance at craigslist maybe, once a week or so. I just couldn't really imagine getting hired by any office. And I was unsure if I'd like a job like that if I did get it. So my decision was to find a retail job again, but at a place that functions the way it's supposed to (unlike blockbuster).
I started school at the end of August, so that staved off boredom for a while. I'm taking Flash and Painting. I enjoy both classes to a point, but they both have faults. Flash was very interesting and fun at first, when it was an animation class, but for the past few weeks it has become a web designer's coding class. I wouldn't be so bored, but that I already took html and javascript. Ok, there are a few really cool things you can do with it, but it's a lot of work and memorizing.
Painting was very informative at first, but I'm not really learning anything now, and haven't for a couple weeks. I'm just painting. I suppose you learn new things just from working, but I could be doing that at home, on my own time. I do enjoy painting though. I had never had an experience painting in a room full of other artists. When I paint, I'm usually alone in my room with headphones on. It is relaxing to sit and paint after a long work day.
So yeah, I finally got a job after about four months. I applied at Borders and Barnes & Noble, but I really wanted to work at Borders. So after I put in applications, I focused my efforts on Borders, and had planned to try Barnes & Noble if Borders fell through. I think my confidence should have been higher having had 6 years of retail experience, but it wasn't for whatever reason. I was even calling Borders on Halloween. I interviewed Saturday, November 3rd, and did orientation the 4th. The job is very decent thus far. I like the people there, and things seem to run pretty smoothly.
So I'm working and going to school now. It's nice to be busy instead of sitting in my house with my mom and sister while they smoke and exchange stressors. That's a bad thing to say, but it's a worse thing to deal with. So I'm glad to be out of the house during the day most of the time now.
Halloween was okay. I decided to throw a small get-together/party thing. I just called it a scary movie night, but since I invited a lot of people, I decided to make food. I made popcorn balls and peanut butter/chocolate "black cat" cookies. Also, since I wasn't working yet, I was doing the Halloween decorating. My dad was off that week too, so the Halloween decorations were probably the best we've ever had. My dad and I both had the time to work on it. The scary movie night was the weekend before Halloween on Friday. A lot of people flaked due to various things, but a good amount of good friends came and we all had a good time. The movie set was as follows:
It was a lot of fun, so if I ever have free time again, I might get another one together.
That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm sure more will come to me later. Cya.
Sylvie visited from Germany at the end of July to early August. The entire time she was here was strange. It was a mixture of fun, confusion, discomfort, happiness, sadness, discovery, etc. Overall, I wish everything had gone better, but I guess both of us had different expectations on how things were going to work out. She would disagree with me, but I really did make great efforts to make her happy... I just had a hard time doing so. I tried to endure a lot of things during that time (like being pretty sick), and so I had my defenses up. But I broke down on the drive home from the airport. My sister helped me through it all. It would have been a lot harder without her. I'm glad Sylvie came here though. I hope that there were some good moments that she enjoyed. I really enjoyed Maximo Park, the Beach, and going to play DDR, air hockey, and mini golf with her. Those were my favorite times.
Sylvie and I don't chat online much anymore, which makes me sad, and I haven't really asked to, but I would just imagine if it was going to happen at all, it would happen naturally. I've sent her a few messages with questions about a few different things, but she seems to answer pretty briefly and move along. Or maybe it's just me, because I know she's been doing a lot of things lately.
August and September don't have too many memorable moments for me. My birthday was in August and all I really remember about it was getting a cool little handmade gift from my friend Manda. I know I got some money from my parents, but I can't remember how I spent it. I know that I bought some clothes. I think I've decided that I like Levis above most other jeans. Once I have money again, I'll go buy a few more pairs. I'm also kind of sick of wearing t-shirts. I feel like dressing more nicely. I do still wear t-shirts though. I don't like some of the nicer shirts I have, but then I do need to go buy some stuff. Oh, and I was unsuccessful at finding a pair of shoes. Hopefully sometime soon.
So I wasn't really doing much as far as looking for a job during those months. I put it off because I didn't want to be working when Sylvie was here, but then I didn't pick up on the job search very soon after she left either. I would glance at craigslist maybe, once a week or so. I just couldn't really imagine getting hired by any office. And I was unsure if I'd like a job like that if I did get it. So my decision was to find a retail job again, but at a place that functions the way it's supposed to (unlike blockbuster).
I started school at the end of August, so that staved off boredom for a while. I'm taking Flash and Painting. I enjoy both classes to a point, but they both have faults. Flash was very interesting and fun at first, when it was an animation class, but for the past few weeks it has become a web designer's coding class. I wouldn't be so bored, but that I already took html and javascript. Ok, there are a few really cool things you can do with it, but it's a lot of work and memorizing.
Painting was very informative at first, but I'm not really learning anything now, and haven't for a couple weeks. I'm just painting. I suppose you learn new things just from working, but I could be doing that at home, on my own time. I do enjoy painting though. I had never had an experience painting in a room full of other artists. When I paint, I'm usually alone in my room with headphones on. It is relaxing to sit and paint after a long work day.
So yeah, I finally got a job after about four months. I applied at Borders and Barnes & Noble, but I really wanted to work at Borders. So after I put in applications, I focused my efforts on Borders, and had planned to try Barnes & Noble if Borders fell through. I think my confidence should have been higher having had 6 years of retail experience, but it wasn't for whatever reason. I was even calling Borders on Halloween. I interviewed Saturday, November 3rd, and did orientation the 4th. The job is very decent thus far. I like the people there, and things seem to run pretty smoothly.
So I'm working and going to school now. It's nice to be busy instead of sitting in my house with my mom and sister while they smoke and exchange stressors. That's a bad thing to say, but it's a worse thing to deal with. So I'm glad to be out of the house during the day most of the time now.
Halloween was okay. I decided to throw a small get-together/party thing. I just called it a scary movie night, but since I invited a lot of people, I decided to make food. I made popcorn balls and peanut butter/chocolate "black cat" cookies. Also, since I wasn't working yet, I was doing the Halloween decorating. My dad was off that week too, so the Halloween decorations were probably the best we've ever had. My dad and I both had the time to work on it. The scary movie night was the weekend before Halloween on Friday. A lot of people flaked due to various things, but a good amount of good friends came and we all had a good time. The movie set was as follows:
It was a lot of fun, so if I ever have free time again, I might get another one together.
That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm sure more will come to me later. Cya.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Off to Play the Grand Piano
Well, I enjoyed the 4th of July. I suppose I could call it Independence day, but it, like every other holiday has drifted off to encompass a much different meaning. I think, to the average United Statian, the 4th of July means one thing... "BLOW SHIT UP!!!". Which is fun. I did stop to think about the Boston tea party briefly, and actual North American Independence. I think people really have to be driven to do something like that. Take the draft during the Vietnam War for instance; people got out into the streets and really made noise. I think people would be doing that today, but since the military is voluntary, it's not happening as much.
Guy Fawkes also came to mind. I was thinking about that holiday in comparison to the 4th. It's interesting what sorts of things become traditions and celebrations, and who decides these things? I'm going to make up a holiday.
We went a little overboard this year on fireworks. I suppose we should have our fun before all fireworks are outlawed here. But this is what the haul looked like:
We burnt through a bag of the little ones, and I completely overlooked the bag with all the medium-big ones. That was a nice surprise. I need to remember to buy a decent lighter next year.
Since I've been out of work and school I've had time to get a few things done that I needed to do. I put up a couple of shelves in my room. Now, my room is very small for someone my size. There was a time when cleaning my room was like doing one of those slide puzzles where you have to arrange the tiles but you only have one space to slide each tile. Since I cleaned out my closet and put up shelves and threw a bunch of shit away, it has gotten better, but it's still difficult.
I finally got a place to put my vhs stuff and my cd collection (all paid for btw, no burnt stuff)
And then I used the other one to display a bunch of stuff that was on my desk (and a bunch of stuff that had been sitting in boxes) The 2 munnys you see there were painted by Blinky & Sylvie
While we're looking at pics of my room, you'll find I still have work to do, as usual.
I haven't been painting or drawing too much, but here are a couple of recent things I did:
Lastly in this long image-laden clump of a journal, is one more image of the movie I just saw, and you should go see it because it was pretty damn good.
Guy Fawkes also came to mind. I was thinking about that holiday in comparison to the 4th. It's interesting what sorts of things become traditions and celebrations, and who decides these things? I'm going to make up a holiday.
We went a little overboard this year on fireworks. I suppose we should have our fun before all fireworks are outlawed here. But this is what the haul looked like:
We burnt through a bag of the little ones, and I completely overlooked the bag with all the medium-big ones. That was a nice surprise. I need to remember to buy a decent lighter next year.
Since I've been out of work and school I've had time to get a few things done that I needed to do. I put up a couple of shelves in my room. Now, my room is very small for someone my size. There was a time when cleaning my room was like doing one of those slide puzzles where you have to arrange the tiles but you only have one space to slide each tile. Since I cleaned out my closet and put up shelves and threw a bunch of shit away, it has gotten better, but it's still difficult.
I finally got a place to put my vhs stuff and my cd collection (all paid for btw, no burnt stuff)
And then I used the other one to display a bunch of stuff that was on my desk (and a bunch of stuff that had been sitting in boxes) The 2 munnys you see there were painted by Blinky & Sylvie
While we're looking at pics of my room, you'll find I still have work to do, as usual.
I haven't been painting or drawing too much, but here are a couple of recent things I did:
Lastly in this long image-laden clump of a journal, is one more image of the movie I just saw, and you should go see it because it was pretty damn good.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
An Intimate look
I get these little bouts of being bummed out sometimes. It usually takes a pretty good amount of bullshit for it to happen though. The most recent and somewhat current one has to do with loneliness. I'm not working right now, and since I don't go to school in the summer, my free time went from rare to constant. I don't have a huge group of friends to hang out with all the time. The friends I do have are almost always doing other things all the time. I don't really know why I'm writing this here now other than it's been on my mind. It gets worse though if you're like me. I stay up late, and my mind wanders. There's more to this than that, but I'm not going into specifics.
I spent way too much money on fireworks. I've been driving around a bit too. I messed up twice. I went straight in a lane I should have turned from (if I'd turned like I was supposed to, I'd have to get on the freeway), and I had a lot of trouble trying to park along the curb when I got back.
Then I spent way too much more money on bed stuff. Since my bed seems to take up like 40% of my room, I do a lot of things on it. Like eating or painting for instance. And I'm not the type that is careful about being really clean (with the painting), so I get a bunch of stains all over my bedclothes. With the heat, and having as much fat as I do, I am leaking a lot of sweat into my bedstuff. So, in the interests of guests, I bought a bunch of new bed clothes that tallied to about $70. Also, I had to fulfill my lust for puzzle books. I love these variety puzzle magazine things with random sorts of word games.
I just saw Black Snake Moan. I enjoyed it. I like the idea of taking care of someone and having someone take care of you.
I spent way too much money on fireworks. I've been driving around a bit too. I messed up twice. I went straight in a lane I should have turned from (if I'd turned like I was supposed to, I'd have to get on the freeway), and I had a lot of trouble trying to park along the curb when I got back.
Then I spent way too much more money on bed stuff. Since my bed seems to take up like 40% of my room, I do a lot of things on it. Like eating or painting for instance. And I'm not the type that is careful about being really clean (with the painting), so I get a bunch of stains all over my bedclothes. With the heat, and having as much fat as I do, I am leaking a lot of sweat into my bedstuff. So, in the interests of guests, I bought a bunch of new bed clothes that tallied to about $70. Also, I had to fulfill my lust for puzzle books. I love these variety puzzle magazine things with random sorts of word games.
I just saw Black Snake Moan. I enjoyed it. I like the idea of taking care of someone and having someone take care of you.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Event Horizon
Well, I passed my driving test (barely). I wasn't too nervous going into it, but I got a little shaken when I made a couple of early mistakes. I finished up decent enough to pass though. I don't think it'll take me too long to be pretty comfortable with driving, as long as I do it often enough. it's weird finally getting it done, when it's been one of these things hanging over my head for the longest time. Hopefully I'll be getting a car soon.
It has been getting so damn hot. I prefer the winter to the summer... but then, I've never lived in Siberia. Hopefully, I'll drop a few pounds. I wanted to start an exercise routine, but I suck at stuff like that. It's very difficult for me to maintain good habits. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up this blog. I've found that it's extremely useful and interesting to have some kind of record of what was going on one particular day. It's quite remarkable how much a person will forget about their life.
So my family has developed this odd habit of watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune every night. It's weird. I've always enjoyed watching Jeopardy (even though I don't really care for Alex Trebek) but it's strange. It's beginning to feel like living in an old folks home. I have found I'm pretty good at Jeopardy though. But I hate when theres a question that I know was covered in a class I've taken, but I can't remember it. I don't really like wheel of fortune at all, especially because the simpsons is on at the same time. Actually, I guess Wheel of Fortune is like the Bizarro Jeopardy. I actually do like Pat Sajak but I hate everything else. Pat has shat his nice guy image and is a snarky old fuck now. I love his smartass little quips. Also, his toupee is pretty damn terrible. Pat is the shows saving grace. That and seeing people land on Bankrupt.
Have you ever really stepped outside yourself to visualize what kind of person you are? I've always sort of seen myself as the quiet type, even shy. Also, a romantic type of person. A lot of the time, I think I come across that way online too. (In journals or on chat... or text in general). Though I am those things, my self in my daily life is quite different. I'm not a quiet person when I'm comfortable with the people I'm with. I suppose it all differs. I am all those things I said, just not all the time. I think it's important to know exactly who you are and what you want.
It has been getting so damn hot. I prefer the winter to the summer... but then, I've never lived in Siberia. Hopefully, I'll drop a few pounds. I wanted to start an exercise routine, but I suck at stuff like that. It's very difficult for me to maintain good habits. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up this blog. I've found that it's extremely useful and interesting to have some kind of record of what was going on one particular day. It's quite remarkable how much a person will forget about their life.
So my family has developed this odd habit of watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune every night. It's weird. I've always enjoyed watching Jeopardy (even though I don't really care for Alex Trebek) but it's strange. It's beginning to feel like living in an old folks home. I have found I'm pretty good at Jeopardy though. But I hate when theres a question that I know was covered in a class I've taken, but I can't remember it. I don't really like wheel of fortune at all, especially because the simpsons is on at the same time. Actually, I guess Wheel of Fortune is like the Bizarro Jeopardy. I actually do like Pat Sajak but I hate everything else. Pat has shat his nice guy image and is a snarky old fuck now. I love his smartass little quips. Also, his toupee is pretty damn terrible. Pat is the shows saving grace. That and seeing people land on Bankrupt.
Have you ever really stepped outside yourself to visualize what kind of person you are? I've always sort of seen myself as the quiet type, even shy. Also, a romantic type of person. A lot of the time, I think I come across that way online too. (In journals or on chat... or text in general). Though I am those things, my self in my daily life is quite different. I'm not a quiet person when I'm comfortable with the people I'm with. I suppose it all differs. I am all those things I said, just not all the time. I think it's important to know exactly who you are and what you want.
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